Wednesday, October 31, 2012

How Motherhood Is Slowly Killing My Selfishness (And Really Cool All Saints' Day Treats)

So this blog started off as a way to keep family in touch with us. Then it became a journal of sorts and maybe a baby book and well now it's just my little corner that I visit with a cup of coffee (probably cold) while my daughter watches Sesame Street and I nurse the baby.
Blogging is writing for me.
Writing is therapeutic for me.
And so blogging is my therapy in so many ways.

Today I come with the most real journaling yet.

I love these ideas for All Saints' Day!  And I'm salivating for candy corn and pumpkins...

Motherhood has not come easily to me. It has been tough. But it has been tough because I have taken the seat of the Pharisee in my life. It had me believing that I am patient, that I know about raising babies and that I know the best way to parent.
In college I majored in Early Childhood Education, which in many ways fed my false pride. It gave me ammunition and the "education vocabulary" to toss around in conversation (I also learned a lot, but bear with me).

Some time ago I realized that my marriage to the most amazing man ever had unnecessary stress and strain. As we dug to the root, we found me!
Sadly, I spent the first year of our marriage reigning over Tyler, without love or sympathy or forgiveness and there was not a drop selfless submission in me. This past year I have been desperately turning the leadership over to Tyler, only to find myself furious with his relaxed and compassionate approach to life. Then we found out we were expecting our little Jonah! What a whirl!

So I found myself disappointed, depressed, angry, bitter, without friends, resentful...and pregnant! I had this knowing within that Jonah would bring change, but

I would have never expected the changes that have commenced since his birth.

Slowly he has helped me to die to the selfishness that is the prideful root of so many small and large issues. Jonah, your sweet smile, mellow disposition and genuine love for even the smallest bit of attention has encouraged me to think of you and Rita before myself. And to see the peace that can be found when one waits patiently and happily. You are so patient little one. Thank you.

Bones of the dead.  These have to be the coolest All Saints' Day treat!

This past two months have been huge. Realizations, organization, small roots of true submission, joy, acceptance and contentment are bleeding in the smallest trickle from my heart. And as it feels like my heart bleeds these virtues, I feel the selfishness slowly seeping away, unable to dwell in the presence of true goodness.

I'm so so so far from anywhere, but it is a start.

You can't tell from the outside. Still same ole me, but deep within this pelican has plucked her first few feathers and bitten her breast so that her family may know the joy of Christ and the peace of a home led by a loving father and loving submissive mother.

This is just a small, but oh-so-very-important step.

Your prayers are appreciated.

*Just for the record, I am not usually patient and expect way too much from Rita and am still very much a work in progress but I am finally embracing these weaknesses and looking to change them.  But I am much happier.  And that makes everything all the better.


  1. Praying for you and your mothering!

    And, I struggle with similar issues. I pray daily for 'love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." {With a strong emphasis on my need for patiences!}

    1. I am so grateful and humbled to have your prayers. I will pray for these virtues for you and myself too! What a great quiver of virtues! Yes, patience...oh oh oh. I'm not glad that you have these struggles too, but I am hopeful that it means that this is all a part of the newness of motherhood. Considering we are mommas forever, being just two or three years into it makes us young mommas!


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